It’s messy and imperfect and downright depressing sometimes.
Today was one of those days.
I lost my shit. All of it.
I’m not proud of that but I still own it.
In my defense, these four year olds are relentless. I remember only a year ago dreaming of the day when my twin boys would turn 4 and all the temper tantrums and meltdowns and days of not listening would just drift away as if they were never here. (Cue hysterical laughter)
You’re almost required to laugh at that bullshit. Who the hell was I kidding?
In fact, since they turned four, I’m almost positive there have been more meltdowns due to their insisted independence. Now that they’ve been on this earth for four years, they are ready to share their broad level of experience. And I’m the lucky one who gets to listen.
Someone told me this beautiful stage of life is called the “Little F-er Fours” and I don’t doubt it one bit.
So…to sum it up: Shit lost. Kids Upset. Mom guilt ensues.
Mom Guilt. Something you experience from the moment you bring those little beings home until long after they move out.
Before kids, it’s so easy to think about what an awesome mom you’re going to be and imagine a perfect little life with your mini-me(s).
Then once you actually have said mini’s in residence, all hell breaks loose and you wonder why you are such a screw up and why did you think you could do this and for the love of God, when I am I gonna figure this mom thing out??
Never. There was no manual provided and for that reason, we are all winging this thing called momhood.
From day one, we dwell on all the things we’re doing wrong, second guess every single decision we make and usually end up chastising ourselves for not making the right one.
It’s a never-ending cycle.
We feel guilty for bottle feeding.
We feel guilty for screwing up their feeding schedule (like I was sure I did on the first night we brought them home)
We feel guilty when they cry and we can’t calm them down.
We feel guilty for going back to work.
We feel guilty for sending them to daycare.
We feel guilty that they might not be getting the interaction they need with other kids if we stay at home with them.
We feel guilty for not being able to potty train them as quick as we thought.
We feel guilty that they don’t know their ABC’s according to when Google or the mom down the street said they should.
We feel guilty for sending them to Pre-school because they aren’t with us every second of the day even though, oh my God, those 2 1/2 hours, 3 days a week are wonderful.
We feel guilty for thinking those 2 1/2 hours, 3 days a week are wonderful.
We feel guilty for not getting enough housework done on the days that they go to school cuz Netflix.
We feel guilty for feeding them lunchables or McDonalds drive-thru on days when healthy lunches just aren’t in the cards.
We feel guilty because they seem to have grown overnight and their pants are now looking more like capris.
We feel guilty for not brushing their teeth enough.
We feel guilty for missing a doctors appointment.
We feel guilty for not dressing them warm enough in the winter.
We feel guilty that, for some reason, they don’t ever want to wear pants. (#mylife #boys)
We feel guilty if they don’t take a bath for one or two nights in a row.
We feel guilty if we forget to send them with lunch money or something for show and tell and God forbid we forget to bring a snack on our specified snack day.
We feel guilty for missing “Red” day at school.
We feel guilty for wanting time for ourselves.
We feel guilty for actually taking time for ourselves.
This endless suck cycle continues well past the age of 18. My oldest daughter will be 20 next month and is already moved out…..mom guilt still applies when I forget to call her or send her a goodnight text. Still.
With a constant barrage of guilt ridden thoughts, we moms need little reminders once in awhile that we are doing the best we can, even on those days that we feel less than worthy of the mom title.
Today was one of those days for me. There were numerous time outs, tears, and meltdowns and I let it get the best of me. I was impatient and grouchy and I didn’t handle things the way that I should have.
However, if I’ve learned anything over the last 20 years, it’s that being a mom is like anything else in life – you put one foot in front of the other and you take it a day at a time. You screw up, you have a bad day and life goes on. You live. You learn. You start all over again the next day. Thank God for that.
You’re only human and you’re bound make mistakes – Stop being so hard on yourself.
The next time you feel guilty about something you did, didn’t do, said or didn’t say, remember this:
No matter how many guilt ridden, tantrum filled, impatient, grouchy, awful, tear-filled days you experience throughout your lifelong career as a mom, those kids of yours are going to be fine.
Because they have a perfectly imperfect momma who loves them with every beat of her heart and that love outshines every single one of those bad days.
Let’s face it: From the moment our child is born, we are placed into what is, quite possibly, the hardest job on the planet.
We are given this job because we are BADASS enough to do it – remember that on the days when you need it most.
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Keep your head up mama ~ You’re doing a great job 😉
Amy Lakenburger says
Spot on! I appreciate so much the raw truthfulness of your words. Momlife is tough enough without all the added guilt. Sometimes the best we can do is wing it, and that’s ok!!
Yes! Nothing wrong with that at all! Thanks so much Amy! 🙂